The summer movie season is the best movie season because summer movies are the best kind of movies. With the passing of Inglourious Basterds, I’m officially declaring the 2009 Summer Movie Season over. I saw all the big summer movies (except maybe one), so I am more qualified than you to review them.

Chronological release order OHHHHHH:

X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Award: The 2009 Love Guru Certificate for Memorable Awfulness
Yes: Parts of the film seemed like they were reaching for goodness, spinning cyclops-beam head destroying nuclear cooling tower, CGI Patrick Stewart
No: Worst CGI effects and action in a theatrically released film since 1995, felt as coherent as a Sega CD full-motion-video video game, CGI Patrick Stewart
2.5/10

Star Trek
Award: Most Anticipated (2007)
Yes: Great characterizations of Bones, Scotty, Spock, surprisingly exciting orbital jump scene, some great CG space battles
No: Too complicated and faithful for non-Star Trek fans, too retarded and pandering for Star Trek fans, Leonard Nimoy’s dentures, Kirk is a fuck
6.5/10

Terminator Salvation
Award: Most Disappointing
Yes: Sam Worthington proves his “worth” (LMAOMG), bad-ass repelling down stuff, CGI Schwarzenegger
No: Christian Bale black hole acting, under-use of Michael Ironside, ending felt like the end of a M*A*S*H episode, not enough Terminator theme song, all the best parts were in the trailers in entirety, CGI Schwarzenegger
6.5/10

Pixar’s UP
Yes: Kevin, Doug, Ed Asner, adorable
No: Can’t say it was worth paying $5 extra to see in 3D
9/10

The Hangover
Yes: Everything Zach Galifianakis says/does, baby whacking off
No: Overall not that memorable
7/10

Drag Me to Hell
Award: Overall Funniest
Yes: Hilarious and scary, lots of bodily fluids and goops, genuinely upsetting ending, goat demons
No: Still haven’t seen Spider-Man 3
9/10

Transformers 2
Award: Overall Worst
Yes: Action scenes more comprehensible than Transformers 1
No: Shia Le Beuf, Beuf’s mom getting high, Megan Fox, old-man Transformer, robot balls, rampant racism, stupid plot, Megan Fox’s pet Decepticon, 8 hours long, looped references from off-screen characters about recession and swine flu
2/10

Harry Potter and the Half Bloof PrinceERROR<Input:HarryPotter_Sucks>ERROR<Input:HarryPotter_Sucks>ERROR<Input:HarryPotter_Sucks>ERROR<Input:HarryPotter_Sucks>ERROR<Input:HarryPotter_Sucks>ERROR<Input:HarryPotter_Sucks>ERROR<Input:HarryPotter_Sucks>ERROR

Funny People
Award: Robert Zdar Award for Most Distracting Blemish on Actor (Jonah Hill’s fucked up arms)
Yes: Eminem/Ray Romano confrontation, great fake Adam Sandler movies
No: No likable characters except Jonah Hill (what?!), too many penis jokes (huh??!), so long that if it was ever on VHS it would have to be on two cassettes
5/10

GI Joe
Yes: exciting and well-paced action set pieces, Sienna Miller is really hot, surprisingly brutal action and acting from Dennis Quaid, two awesome ninjas, Channing Tatum on a motorcycle at a funeral in the rain
No: maybe too many submarine’s exploding during finale
8/10

District 9
Yes: hilarious and awesome deaths via alien weapons, alien poop and pee, great acting from not entirely sympathetic main character, potential for interesting sequel
No: “documentary” aspects unnecessary and redundant
9/10

Ponyo
Yes: entirely likable and pleasant, colorful hand-drawn animation, hot mom
No: no real sense of conflict or urgency despite the world ending, baffling “mother’s milk” scene, some plot and ideas lost in translation
8/10

Inglourious Basterds
Award: Most Boring
Yes: brutal action scenes and death, very attractive women, alternate universe ending..
No: only 5 minutes of action in 155 minute long movie, the rest comprised of 6 or 7 long conversations each one involving a Nazi tricking another character into thinking they are being genial but really they aren’t, incessant and annoying references to film culture and history,
4/10

I didn’t miss ANYTHING

Can’t wait for the rest of 2009′s high profile films! Goodnight!

Tags: avatar, avatar poster, best summer movies, district 9, drag me to hell, funny people, gi joe, inglourious basterds, pixar's up, ponyo, star trek, summer 2009, summer movie reviews, summer movies, terminator salvation, the hangover, transformers 2, x-men origins: wolverine

This entry was posted on Friday, August 28th, 2009 at 11:34 am and is filed under Media Chips + Dip. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.