Today I tweeted my 500th tweet on Twitter. An occassion for celebration and remembrance! Just six (or is it seven..) months ago I was all like “Hells no I’m never signing up for Twitter” and god be damned if I do stare blankly at it every day for several hours, occasionally funneling clever or funny thoughts into its clever whirlpool. At least on Twitter there’s no room for run-on sentences and THAT is the lasting contribution.

To celebrate, I re-read all my tweets in chronological order. Some were dumb, some were sad, but many were funny (I’m not shallow if I laugh at jokes I forgot I wrote four months ago). Here are my Fifty Funniest Tweets, enjoy!

• On larry king: cher was at a party with val kilmer and MJ wouldn’t stop talking about the socks kilmer was wearing
• Nothin left to say about Transformers 2 but it is terrible- it farted in my mouth
• Applying to jobs on a bus is a new low – or high!
• it’s hot enough to eat eggs
• i had a dream i Tweeted about seeing a commercial for Applebee’s honey flavored toilet paper
• i hope no one discovers my secret underwater base
• “Let’s send Bishop to get us more wings” – Kevin, LV-426
• The Little Couple is like watching short paint dry
• what? my swiss bank account is empty!!
• of all the days to get flashbanged
• @declensions flying over Kuat Drive Yards: so many unfinished Super Star Destroyers
• I need to go running before it starts to rain > i am made out of candy and earthworms
• need to go running before it starts to rain > i am made out of candy and earthworms
• they should make butter pecan gum
• It’s a tom sizemore kind of day in brooklyn, usa
• every commercial that features 3-4 idiot guys sitting around their place of work “riffing” on their lunch/breakfast is a failure
• I’ve seen lot of boring WW2 movies but Inglourious Basterds is really goddamn boring
• On any given day there’s thousands of lumpy dudes traveling across America on business
• Atlanta Hr. X: 2 hours at airport down, 2 to go. Urge to buy and read political thriller paperback rising…
• marvel x disney: where’s the crossover where I get a job
• Krull is so money
• pretty disappointed with the reuben from katz’s deli i had tonight. i barely even have indigestion
• ate a few too many spiders’ eggs last night *urp*
• US Open: Launchpad McQuack v Paul Simon
• I hate generic star wars references
• not enough helicopters solving crimes in this Fall’s TV lineup
• 3000 calories down and out at the international house of panfakes
• wearing my hulk hands to an interview this morning
• didn’t get job – said “it’s clobberin time!” when they asked about my skill with Excel – they said “that’s the Thing, not the Hulk”
• didn’t get job – said “it’s clobberin time!” when they asked about my skill with Excel – they said “that’s the Thing, not the Hulk”
• Store-bought bagels are the most disappointing things in the world
• I invite pumpkin spice lattes to decimate my checking account
• just ate a shit load of honey – thanks bees!
• I loved Legends of the Hidden Temple so why do I want to face punch anyone in a Purple Parrots, etc shirt
• trick me once Robot Jox… http://bit.ly/1EjVh5
• dreams of my Carpathian barbecue
• EVERYBODY’S WORKING FOR THE WEEKE- *trip bonk* SHIT
• looks like everyone in NYC is going as Annoying Jerk this Halloween
• Dear Sir-on-subway-with-toilet paper-for-bookmark: I’m coming for you.
• anyone who thinks the Christmas season shouldn’t start before Thanksgiving gets a punch in their fucking mouth
• shouldn’t have to sort clever jokes between the Twitter and Facebook bins #fuckyourface
• reading the wikipedia synopsis of AMC’s Prisoner remake makes me want to kick a TV off a bridge. Sooo glad I didn’t watch that shit
• Watchin Roseanne like YEAhhh
• “Afghanistan is a lost cause: always was and always will be.” – Santa Claus
• You know it’s going to be a good day when F-Troop makes the front page of the NYTimes.com
• omg my office smells like someone unsuccessfully tried to teleport a baboon and it turned inside out
• omg my office smells like someone unsuccessfully tried to teleport a baboon and it turned inside out
• A sudden “Subway tuna foot-long” urge has dropped on me like a pile of bricks
• the huffpost has the aesthetics of a Long Island Greek diner’s menu
• vending machine is out of General Tso’s chicken!?? 

Where will I be in 500 more tweets? Only Twitter himself knows.

Tags: stupid jokes, Twitter

This entry was posted on Thursday, January 14th, 2010 at 1:19 pm and is filed under Media Chips + Dip. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.