If you’re writing reading this, odds are you’re still unemployed after all these days, weeks, months, years! Since Tip #7 you’ve no doubt applied to every entry-level cubicle-squid job there is in (your respective city), and still nothing. You considered traipsing down to the local cafe or brasserie to see about getting a part time job, but your family has filed an injunction legally barring you from doing so. So there you were, every day, on the internet, casting your lure and seeing your resume bait wretched violently off its hook and thrown back in your face. And in all that time, the seasons have turned, you internet girlfriend has left you, and your roommates have been replaced by Chinese venture capitalists who sold off your Pop Tarts (haha, remember?!?) to buy shares in a Belarussian goose liver consortium.

What’s become of you?

Well, it’s time to get back on the horse-machine and get back to living life.

Tip #8: Open a Window in there!

Peeeeeeeeee-yewwwwww!

Cripes, man, it smells bad in your room. What have you been doing in there? Have you taken a shower in the past two months? Have you forgotten the basics of hygiene and self-respect? Because a clean body equals a clean mind and a clean mind will get you at least $28k competitive salary + some benefits.

So crack a window will ya!

Make your bed, sweep up your skin flakes and fallen hair, and clip those 4 ft. long nails of yours! Go out, buy some fresh fruit and M&Ms! Put a new fur cover on your toilet seat! I WILL BE COMING TO INSPECT THURSDAY AFTERNOON, AND I’M ONLY GONNA KNOCK TWICE I’VE GOT A LOT OF LIVES TO INSPECT.

Pay your wireless internet bills so that you can download more TIPS FOR THE UMPLOYED!!

Don’t look now, but employment is sneaking up behind you! But if you turn to look too quickly you’ll scare it! Oops! There it went. Oh well, better luck next time. But hey, these are my tips to getting you employed and empowered – emplowered.

Tip #7: Social Network network!

By now you’ve heard about social media and how it’s “the next big thing”. Well it is! In fact, it is so the next big thing that it will completely replace all other forms of media in the next two months. If you really want to be ahead of the curve, get out there and

Get an internship or unpaid job as a social media expert

Every company seems to be scrambling for a social media “expert”. Because of the economy and because they don’t really believe in social media, they can’t/won’t pay you – but they’ll listen to everything you have to say.

Odds are you are a social media expert without even knowing it. Between lying down in the shower and applying for street jobs on Craigslist, you probably sit on Facebook as much as anything else all day. So why not turn that time into a possible chance at maybe a lucrative career in social media peddling.

Now, most companies seem to have “friend” requirements – i.e. they will only hire you if you have, say, 800 or more friends on Facebook. So just friend anyone, it doesn’t matter who. Social media is about quantity – getting that 200 word blog post seen by as many friends jerks people as possible. Number$ babyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Get out of my office! *slam*

Leave your computer on while you sleep for the latest free, hot unemployment tips!

WAKE UP you just feel asleep at your desk because you’re unemployed – but you’ve aged 40 years in 3 hours! These are my tips for getting through the Time/Space rift that is unemployment!

While you’re unemployed, money will be as scarce as confidence. You can find ways to be thrifty: exercise is always free, and if you eat your roommates’ soap you don’t have to spend money on food. Still, odds are your brain is atrophying from the dire mix of boredom and despair. You need something to do, something to ease the pain…

Tip #6 Stay off the bottle!

As it has for millenia, the Booze can offer you an escape from your worries, as it relaxes you and it can make time fly by. On top of that, it also makes tedious activities like cleaning your apartment a fun, intellectual challenge, kind of like sudoku. And it makes ABC Family programming even better than it already is. But! there is an obvious price to pay.

The Booze will take all your money and your dignity. Especially your money.

That individual jug of wine or quart of beer may be cheap, but if you drink a lot of them, that’s a hefty chunk of bread. If you’re really looking for some liquid release, milk has many of the same effects as the Booze but is significantly cheaper. Also, milk makes your bones stronger, while Booze only makes your muscles hair and fingernails stronger.

Furthermore, if you start drinking out of boredom and desolation when you’re unemployed, where will you turn when you’ve got a job you hate? Or when you’ve got kids and mortgages and divorces to forget? Save drowning yourself for when you can afford it.

Sure, drinking is cool, but you’ll be way cooler when you’re buying cheap, boxless cereal with that money instead!

There’s more fridge-chilled unemployment tips on the way!

You wake up screaming, then sigh, “Phew, it was only a dream!” NO! These are my tips for wading through the unemployment that is definitely real!

So say you get that call for that holy interview and even after your best efforts to dress nice you still look like a fat owl when you walk in the door, the interviewer won’t even want to look you in your big fat eyes. Thanks to our last tip you’ve hopefully stopped eating toxic amounts of Tostitos by now, but that’s only half way there.

Tip #5: Exercise!

Without a job you’ve got enough free time to exercise four, five, even six hours a day. You could be the most fit person you know, but if you want the best results, you can’t do it alone -

Use certified personal trainers

If you really want to get fit, and I mean cut, then you’ll need to hire a personal trainer. They’ll be able to guide you through the proper ways to run and jump and lift heavy things.

“But what about the cost?”

Well, it’s true, personal trainers can get expensive. And because you have no money, you’ll probably be tempted to try the cheaper option: robot personal trainers. But watch out, robot personal trainers may be cheaper but they often lack the proper credentials and training necessary to get you in shape quickly and safely.

If you do still want to get a personal training robot, make sure you get a brand name one because if you go for a knockoff model, you might wind up paying for your cheapness. Because its cheaper to simply install the memories of recently deceased athletes to robots hard drives than program a solid personal training AI, many cheap personal training robots get overly zealous in their attempts to put you in peak physical condition. After you’ve broken your arm the third time trying to wrestle your way out of your robot personal trainer’s “Steel Abs Grip”, you’ll probably be ready to quit. But the robot won’t let you.

Regardless, when you do go into that interview looking like a Lego man you’re so hard-edged and sexy, and you get that wink from the interviewer, the blood, sweat and tears will be worth it.

Keep your shoes laced up, and catch more unemployment tips on their way soon!

LET ME OFF LET ME OFF LET ME OFF!! These are my tips for getting through the faulty roller coaster ride of unemployment!

So you were all set in mind and body – positive, attractive – and then you got shot down because you couldn’t find any jobs to apply to. And maybe you got a rejection email without even getting an interview. And also maybe you’re broke. But that’s OK – you’ve only wasted two-thirds of a day you’ll never get back, no big deal.

Unemployment isn’t all just about getting in the “find-a-job” groove – it is also a way of living. And because it’s a lifestyle, you’ve got to learn to eat, breathe and drink unemployment.

Tip #4 Eat Well

Since you spend all your day sitting on your behind while being rejected from society, your posterior will probably get fat before you know it. Furthermore with all the emotional weight you’ll be gaining, you’ll want to talk to anyone or anyTHING that will listen. And because you’re all alone at 3:45 in the afternoon, all you have to turn to is food…

Don’t eat just for comfort or boredom

Odds are you can’t afford anything healthy to eat, so you’ll need to try your hardest not to eat so much of the packaged goods that barely fill your pantry.

The voices coming from the Triscuits or Pop Tarts will try their hardest to weaken your spirit. They’ll beckon you near with promises of comfort and pleasure. But heed not the words of the sweet treats! For as soon as you’ve opened their vessel you will let forth a torrent of evil unto your home and you will be powerless to repel the vile victuals’ fats and carbohydrates.

You’re often going to be alone and depressed – but if you just remember to buy carrot sticks to gouge yourself on instead of something fatty, you’ll not gain that unemployment weight!

Keep your mits handy, there’s more oven-fresh unemployment tips on the way!

Just because you ate that college pie doesn’t mean you’re not hungry! These are my tips for getting through the unemployment of your nightmare to the job of your nicer dreams!

Now that your bedroom is open for business, your hair is saying “Yes” and you’ve got the attitude to match, you are ready to start the job hunt.

This is often seen as the most miserable and time consuming part of unemployment, just after the alcoholism and food-abuse. It is possible to spend hours crawling job sites and corporate career portals without finding a single job that you can apply for – whether because of your lack of qualification or education or your failure to pay the internet bill. Also the economy is bad.

You’ll be desperate just to find any job that you’re qualified for – but no matter what happens…

Tip #3: Watch Out For Bad Jobs and Scams

There’s plenty of people out there who are willing to extort money and effort from unemployed and underemployed twenty-year-olds. The best way to ensure you aren’t tricked or nudged into some job you don’t want is to

avoid the Joblin.

The joblin may appear to you at any time of day – but he’ll most likely appear to you in a late night haze. There you’ll be, huddled over your tear-stained computer, and he will appear, offering you cash to write articles for his “website” while working at home from your computer.

He may also appear to you early in the morning, calling you just after the sun rises to tell you you’ve got an interview – you’ll be too dazed to care where the interview is, and you’re so desperate that you’ll agree to anything. Then you’ll get there and find out you’re an administrative assistant to ghost of King Leopold II.

If you avoid the Joblin, you’ll avoid having your money or soul stolen, and you’ll be all the happier when you find that legitimate soul-sucking job.

You’ll be saying “I’m glad I’ve got my fingers back” in no time at all!

Keep your computer warm, there’s more tips coming!

Turn that frown upside down, you’re just unemployed, not dead! These are my tips on getting through unemployment with dignity and clean pants.

So you’re awake and you’ve brushed your hair – you’re already two steps down the road to a job and not being a wreck! Now you can start to work on that attitude

Tip #2 Get a Good Attitude

If you can prove to all those around you that you can be positive and work well in a professional environment, you’ll be a shoe in for the next job that someone you know who knows someone else could maybe get you.

But sure, it’s easy to talk the talk, but how do you go about walking the walk of a real professional?

First and foremost, listen to this on endless repeat now and for the duration of your unemployment.

Then, when you’re all worked up and feeling can do-ish:

turn your bedroom (or wherever you sleep) into a cubicle.

What does this mean besides putting up small padded walls around your desk? Well, it means keeping your desk organized and your calendar up to date. It means being punctual and efficient and it means keeping your conduct safe for the workplace. Yes, if you treat your home like your office, you’ll gain the respect of those you live with, and they might just start paying you to live with them.

You’ll be saying “I turned my bed into a stapler” in no time at all!

Keep your eyes peeled for more unemployment tips!

For those of you who have just graduated college with long standing dreams of employment (like me), you’re painfully aware that you’ve graduated into one of the most volitile job markets in at least a couple dozen years. The journey from graduation to job is a long and perhaps brutal one – like crossing a salt flat. But it doesn’t have to be that terrible, and there are steps that you can take to ensure the journey is easier and maybe more fun – like crossing a salt flat

Tip #1: Look Good!

Just because you’re sitting at home all day sobbing while you look at Craigslist doesn’t mean you shouldn’t look presentable. And whats more important to your appearance than your hair? Nothing. And you may not be able to spend money on a haircut, but that’s OK, you don’t need one!

If your hair is parted (and whose isn’t) just part it the other way!

You’ll look thinner, more vibrant, and you’ll trick your friends and lovers into thinking you have money to spend on a trip to a fancy Parisian salon.

You’ll be saying “I don’t need a haircut or money to almost be happy” in no time at all!

Stay frosty for more unemployment tips!