I’ve got a cold for the first time in about a year. But today’s sick day is a curious proposition: I’m an unemployed college graduate who hasn’t had a day of work or school in five months, yet I am still compelled to enjoy the opportunity to “take a day off”. Since I don’t have to miss anything I don’t have to feel guilty about staying home. And since I usually am at home, but now I am actually sick, I don’t have to feel guilty about sleeping late and sitting around all Tuesday. It’s a perfect storm of smelly and lazy!

7:00 – Woke up. Sent email to my mom saying that I won’t be able to come in to work today. Fell out of chair laughing.

10:10 – Woke up again.

10:30 – Drank a glass of 1/2 milk, 1/2 orange juice, put some green peas in it – or as I call it, “Campbell’s Chunky Breakfast”

11:40 – Dozed off, had dreams of watching How I Met Your Mother episodes and being mildly disappointed. Or were they dreams…

12:00 – Went to Grocery store in a haze, get home only to realize I had spent $40 on 2 oranges and Bac-Os. That’s a lot of oranges.

1:15 – Ate toast, sprinkled Emergen-C packets over butter

3:05 – Saw a weird episode of Degrassi: The Next Generation I hadn’t seen before. Everyone was wearing Noh theater masks

4:00 – Watched two episodes of the Office on Netflix instant streaming. Man I’d hate to work in an office like that

4:50 – Took a shower – hacked up a bunch of phlegm and a tiny skeleton. Fell out of the shower laughing.

Spray paint murals are a controversial area of contemporary art. Not only does the world seem unwilling (or perhaps unready) to accept the spray paint mural aesthetic, but the common side effect of dimensional inversion prevents the medium from pushing outside its relatively small corner of the art world.

One artist, Canadian-born Richard Pantsel, has established his name as one of the more talented and dangerous spray paint mural artists. While some have criticized his lack of basic technique, others have cited his relentless appetite for destruction to be indicative of a zealous disregard for established forms. Regardless of your personal opinion, Pantsel is a wanted criminal. Read the rest of this entry »

“You tha man!”

If you’re writing reading this, odds are you’re still unemployed after all these days, weeks, months, years! Since Tip #7 you’ve no doubt applied to every entry-level cubicle-squid job there is in (your respective city), and still nothing. You considered traipsing down to the local cafe or brasserie to see about getting a part time job, but your family has filed an injunction legally barring you from doing so. So there you were, every day, on the internet, casting your lure and seeing your resume bait wretched violently off its hook and thrown back in your face. And in all that time, the seasons have turned, you internet girlfriend has left you, and your roommates have been replaced by Chinese venture capitalists who sold off your Pop Tarts (haha, remember?!?) to buy shares in a Belarussian goose liver consortium.

What’s become of you?

Well, it’s time to get back on the horse-machine and get back to living life.

Tip #8: Open a Window in there!

Peeeeeeeeee-yewwwwww!

Cripes, man, it smells bad in your room. What have you been doing in there? Have you taken a shower in the past two months? Have you forgotten the basics of hygiene and self-respect? Because a clean body equals a clean mind and a clean mind will get you at least $28k competitive salary + some benefits.

So crack a window will ya!

Make your bed, sweep up your skin flakes and fallen hair, and clip those 4 ft. long nails of yours! Go out, buy some fresh fruit and M&Ms! Put a new fur cover on your toilet seat! I WILL BE COMING TO INSPECT THURSDAY AFTERNOON, AND I’M ONLY GONNA KNOCK TWICE I’VE GOT A LOT OF LIVES TO INSPECT.

Pay your wireless internet bills so that you can download more TIPS FOR THE UMPLOYED!!

Let’s cut right to the chase: Jay Leno sucks and NBC is really desperate. So by all means, give him five hours a week during prime-time.

Let’s get this fat clown show on the road:

9:52 – Change channel to NBC which is finishing up “America’s Got Talent”. They should just rename NBC to UPN

9:53 – Change channel to “Family Guy” rerun on channel with screwed up image and sound because it’s  less annoying

10:00 – WOW THE TITLES! It’s like a barrage of 1995

10:01 – Jay Leno throws Cheez-Its on the ground, audience rushes stage

10:02 – It’s like watching a fat 1970’s Italian film actor do stand up. WISH THEY OVER-DUBBED A LESS ANNOYING VOICE Read the rest of this entry »

Today I woke to find a snake coiled at the bottom of my bedside water glass. It was past 10 and the only thing that propelled me awake was the promise of fresh, Monday content on the Internet. My mouth was dry, my head wrapped in a towel of sleepy anxiety, so I did not notice the beast from my hunched position in my bed. Lifting the glass up to my mouth I finally saw the grey serpent at the bottom, wedged in the lower third. The water it displaced was sullied a sort of yellow and smelled. Disgusted, I simply put the glass back down on my nightstand. The snake writhed.

I went about my mid-day routine, forgetting the snake as I brushed my teeth and made my bed. Once or twice I heard the snake spasm at the bottom of the glass, but ultimately paid it little attention. As I ate my microwave lunch at my desk, I looked at the glass just in time to see it sputtered and die.

Over the course of the afternoon, the snake decomposed – the flakes of dead skin and muscle tearing and rising to the surface. By evening my room reeked of wet, fallen leaves and I decided to finally throw the snake out. The sun down, I took the glass into the kitchen and dumped the white, dead snake into the sink and went back into my room.

Last night, when I remembered it was 9/11, I looked up video clips of the event on YouTube. I do this from time to time to try and galvanize my emotions that have been worn away by the past ten years. The images speak for themselves – it was a horrific day. Even if you were not in New York or Washington, or you were not directly affected by the events, it was terrible enough to change everyone’s life.

So I sat and looked at YouTube videos of the event. I watched all thirty minutes of someone’s TiVo recording of the NBC Nightly News from Read the rest of this entry »

Any date with repeating numbers is a marketer’s wet dream! Let’s celebrate the release of the remastered Beatles albums (9/9/09) and the Sega Dreamcast (9/9/99) with the best thing I have ever made!

John: “Oh god, Paul’s turning into Sonic”

Ringo: “URGGGG”

(George is way too cool to ever play Dreamcast)