WAKE UP you just feel asleep at your desk because you’re unemployed – but you’ve aged 40 years in 3 hours! These are my tips for getting through the Time/Space rift that is unemployment!

While you’re unemployed, money will be as scarce as confidence. You can find ways to be thrifty: exercise is always free, and if you eat your roommates’ soap you don’t have to spend money on food. Still, odds are your brain is atrophying from the dire mix of boredom and despair. You need something to do, something to ease the pain…

Tip #6 Stay off the bottle!

As it has for millenia, the Booze can offer you an escape from your worries, as it relaxes you and it can make time fly by. On top of that, it also makes tedious activities like cleaning your apartment a fun, intellectual challenge, kind of like sudoku. And it makes ABC Family programming even better than it already is. But! there is an obvious price to pay.

The Booze will take all your money and your dignity. Especially your money.

That individual jug of wine or quart of beer may be cheap, but if you drink a lot of them, that’s a hefty chunk of bread. If you’re really looking for some liquid release, milk has many of the same effects as the Booze but is significantly cheaper. Also, milk makes your bones stronger, while Booze only makes your muscles hair and fingernails stronger.

Furthermore, if you start drinking out of boredom and desolation when you’re unemployed, where will you turn when you’ve got a job you hate? Or when you’ve got kids and mortgages and divorces to forget? Save drowning yourself for when you can afford it.

Sure, drinking is cool, but you’ll be way cooler when you’re buying cheap, boxless cereal with that money instead!

There’s more fridge-chilled unemployment tips on the way!