Today I tweeted my 500th tweet on Twitter. An occassion for celebration and remembrance! Just six (or is it seven..) months ago I was all like “Hells no I’m never signing up for Twitter” and god be damned if I do stare blankly at it every day for several hours, occasionally funneling clever or funny thoughts into its clever whirlpool. At least on Twitter there’s no room for run-on sentences and THAT is the lasting contribution.

To celebrate, I re-read all my tweets in chronological order. Some were dumb, some were sad, but many were funny (I’m not shallow if I laugh at jokes I forgot I wrote four months ago). Here are my Fifty Funniest Tweets, enjoy!

• On larry king: cher was at a party with val kilmer and MJ wouldn’t stop talking about the socks kilmer was wearing
• Nothin left to say about Transformers 2 but it is terrible- it farted in my mouth
• Applying to jobs on a bus is a new low – or high!
• it’s hot enough to eat eggs
• i had a dream i Tweeted about seeing a commercial for Applebee’s honey flavored toilet paper
• i hope no one discovers my secret underwater base (more…)

Don’t look now, but employment is sneaking up behind you! But if you turn to look too quickly you’ll scare it! Oops! There it went. Oh well, better luck next time. But hey, these are my tips to getting you employed and empowered – emplowered.

Tip #7: Social Network network!

By now you’ve heard about social media and how it’s “the next big thing”. Well it is! In fact, it is so the next big thing that it will completely replace all other forms of media in the next two months. If you really want to be ahead of the curve, get out there and

Get an internship or unpaid job as a social media expert

Every company seems to be scrambling for a social media “expert”. Because of the economy and because they don’t really believe in social media, they can’t/won’t pay you – but they’ll listen to everything you have to say.

Odds are you are a social media expert without even knowing it. Between lying down in the shower and applying for street jobs on Craigslist, you probably sit on Facebook as much as anything else all day. So why not turn that time into a possible chance at maybe a lucrative career in social media peddling.

Now, most companies seem to have “friend” requirements – i.e. they will only hire you if you have, say, 800 or more friends on Facebook. So just friend anyone, it doesn’t matter who. Social media is about quantity – getting that 200 word blog post seen by as many friends jerks people as possible. Number$ babyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Get out of my office! *slam*

Leave your computer on while you sleep for the latest free, hot unemployment tips!

is when you search for yourself:

THATS ME!

It’s not even that I joined Twitter because all my friends are doing it (barely anyone uses it), the unbelievable media hype (unbelievably lame and uncool), nor did I join because of the “Get Hired Because of Twitter” articles my mother keeps emailing me. I joined because it was raining and I was bored.

So I have heard and understand the personal benefits to myself: bite-broadcasting my creative and (other) output so that people interested can learn more about me and hire me, date me, or at least make me famous. But I still hated Twitter and its very premise. I even cursed Twitter’s treacherously cutesy web 2.0 name as I signed up….

OHHH but wow i’m a-d-d-i-c-t-e-d

Just looking at my “following” list and seeing the many famous faces that I almost, maybe could interact with a few individuals who have personally influenced me is very exciting. What delicious riff will Michael J. Nelson deliver next? Or what new project will Peter Serafinowicz share? Or Brent Spiner? I can see the appeal of Twitter now – it is the thin plastic glass separating us “regular people” from the “celebrities” or people we admire. We don’t interact, and there are way more of us on this side of the glass – but they’re in the same room as us, and if you keep tapping and holding funny things up to the glass, someone on the other side will have to notice one day.