To celebrate, I re-read all my tweets in chronological order. Some were dumb, some were sad, but many were funny (I’m not shallow if I laugh at jokes I forgot I wrote four months ago). Here are my Fifty Funniest Tweets, enjoy!

• On larry king: cher was at a party with val kilmer and MJ wouldn’t stop talking about the socks kilmer was wearing
• Nothin left to say about Transformers 2 but it is terrible- it farted in my mouth
• Applying to jobs on a bus is a new low – or high!
• it’s hot enough to eat eggs
• i had a dream i Tweeted about seeing a commercial for Applebee’s honey flavored toilet paper
• i hope no one discovers my secret underwater base
• “Let’s send Bishop to get us more wings” – Kevin, LV-426
• The Little Couple is like watching short paint dry
• what? my swiss bank account is empty!!
• of all the days to get flashbanged
• @declensions flying over Kuat Drive Yards: so many unfinished Super Star Destroyers
• I need to go running before it starts to rain > i am made out of candy and earthworms
• need to go running before it starts to rain > i am made out of candy and earthworms
• they should make butter pecan gum
• It’s a tom sizemore kind of day in brooklyn, usa
• every commercial that features 3-4 idiot guys sitting around their place of work “riffing” on their lunch/breakfast is a failure
• I’ve seen lot of boring WW2 movies but Inglourious Basterds is really goddamn boring
• On any given day there’s thousands of lumpy dudes traveling across America on business
• Atlanta Hr. X: 2 hours at airport down, 2 to go. Urge to buy and read political thriller paperback rising…
• marvel x disney: where’s the crossover where I get a job
• Krull is so money
• pretty disappointed with the reuben from katz’s deli i had tonight. i barely even have indigestion
• ate a few too many spiders’ eggs last night *urp*
• US Open: Launchpad McQuack v Paul Simon
• I hate generic star wars references
• not enough helicopters solving crimes in this Fall’s TV lineup
• 3000 calories down and out at the international house of panfakes
• wearing my hulk hands to an interview this morning
• didn’t get job – said “it’s clobberin time!” when they asked about my skill with Excel – they said “that’s the Thing, not the Hulk”
• didn’t get job – said “it’s clobberin time!” when they asked about my skill with Excel – they said “that’s the Thing, not the Hulk”
• Store-bought bagels are the most disappointing things in the world
• I invite pumpkin spice lattes to decimate my checking account
• just ate a shit load of honey – thanks bees!
• I loved Legends of the Hidden Temple so why do I want to face punch anyone in a Purple Parrots, etc shirt
• trick me once Robot Jox… http://bit.ly/1EjVh5
• dreams of my Carpathian barbecue
• EVERYBODY’S WORKING FOR THE WEEKE- *trip bonk* SHIT
• looks like everyone in NYC is going as Annoying Jerk this Halloween
• Dear Sir-on-subway-with-toilet paper-for-bookmark: I’m coming for you.
• anyone who thinks the Christmas season shouldn’t start before Thanksgiving gets a punch in their fucking mouth
• shouldn’t have to sort clever jokes between the Twitter and Facebook bins #fuckyourface
• reading the wikipedia synopsis of AMC’s Prisoner remake makes me want to kick a TV off a bridge. Sooo glad I didn’t watch that shit
• Watchin Roseanne like YEAhhh
• “Afghanistan is a lost cause: always was and always will be.” – Santa Claus
• You know it’s going to be a good day when F-Troop makes the front page of the NYTimes.com
• omg my office smells like someone unsuccessfully tried to teleport a baboon and it turned inside out
• omg my office smells like someone unsuccessfully tried to teleport a baboon and it turned inside out
• A sudden “Subway tuna foot-long” urge has dropped on me like a pile of bricks
• the huffpost has the aesthetics of a Long Island Greek diner’s menu
• vending machine is out of General Tso’s chicken!?? 

Where will I be in 500 more tweets? Only Twitter himself knows.

Tip #7: Social Network network!

By now you’ve heard about social media and how it’s “the next big thing”. Well it is! In fact, it is so the next big thing that it will completely replace all other forms of media in the next two months. If you really want to be ahead of the curve, get out there and

Get an internship or unpaid job as a social media expert

Every company seems to be scrambling for a social media “expert”. Because of the economy and because they don’t really believe in social media, they can’t/won’t pay you – but they’ll listen to everything you have to say.

Odds are you are a social media expert without even knowing it. Between lying down in the shower and applying for street jobs on Craigslist, you probably sit on Facebook as much as anything else all day. So why not turn that time into a possible chance at maybe a lucrative career in social media peddling.

Now, most companies seem to have “friend” requirements – i.e. they will only hire you if you have, say, 800 or more friends on Facebook. So just friend anyone, it doesn’t matter who. Social media is about quantity – getting that 200 word blog post seen by as many friends jerks people as possible. Number$ babyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Get out of my office! *slam*

Leave your computer on while you sleep for the latest free, hot unemployment tips!

THATS ME!

So I have heard and understand the personal benefits to myself: bite-broadcasting my creative and (other) output so that people interested can learn more about me and hire me, date me, or at least make me famous. But I still hated Twitter and its very premise. I even cursed Twitter’s treacherously cutesy web 2.0 name as I signed up….

OHHH but wow i’m a-d-d-i-c-t-e-d

Just looking at my “following” list and seeing the many famous faces that I almost, maybe could interact with a few individuals who have personally influenced me is very exciting. What delicious riff will Michael J. Nelson deliver next? Or what new project will Peter Serafinowicz share? Or Brent Spiner? I can see the appeal of Twitter now – it is the thin plastic glass separating us “regular people” from the “celebrities” or people we admire. We don’t interact, and there are way more of us on this side of the glass – but they’re in the same room as us, and if you keep tapping and holding funny things up to the glass, someone on the other side will have to notice one day.