If you’re writing reading this, odds are you’re still unemployed after all these days, weeks, months, years! Since Tip #7 you’ve no doubt applied to every entry-level cubicle-squid job there is in (your respective city), and still nothing. You considered traipsing down to the local cafe or brasserie to see about getting a part time job, but your family has filed an injunction legally barring you from doing so. So there you were, every day, on the internet, casting your lure and seeing your resume bait wretched violently off its hook and thrown back in your face. And in all that time, the seasons have turned, you internet girlfriend has left you, and your roommates have been replaced by Chinese venture capitalists who sold off your Pop Tarts (haha, remember?!?) to buy shares in a Belarussian goose liver consortium.

What’s become of you?

Well, it’s time to get back on the horse-machine and get back to living life.

Tip #8: Open a Window in there!

Peeeeeeeeee-yewwwwww!

Cripes, man, it smells bad in your room. What have you been doing in there? Have you taken a shower in the past two months? Have you forgotten the basics of hygiene and self-respect? Because a clean body equals a clean mind and a clean mind will get you at least $28k competitive salary + some benefits.

So crack a window will ya!

Make your bed, sweep up your skin flakes and fallen hair, and clip those 4 ft. long nails of yours! Go out, buy some fresh fruit and M&Ms! Put a new fur cover on your toilet seat! I WILL BE COMING TO INSPECT THURSDAY AFTERNOON, AND I’M ONLY GONNA KNOCK TWICE I’VE GOT A LOT OF LIVES TO INSPECT.

Pay your wireless internet bills so that you can download more TIPS FOR THE UMPLOYED!!